Why Saying 'I Do' Without a Prenup Could Be the Dumbest Move You Make
Marriage is a business deal, and walking into it blind could cost you everything you worked for.
The other day, I came across an advice column in the New York Times that piqued my interest. A woman wrote in, shocked that her fiancé suddenly wanted a prenuptial agreement just a few weeks before their wedding. They had discussed it twice the year before, and both agreed they didn't need one. She said she trusted him, believed in marriage forever, and felt confident that if they ever split, she'd only want child support if they had kids. Now, he not only wanted a prenup, but he also expected her to split the cost of the lawyers.
The comments lit up, and I agreed with many of them: bringing up a prenup weeks before the wedding is rather shady. This could even be considered signed under duress in New York. (Quick legal side note: in New York State, if a prenup is presented too close to the wedding, and one party can claim they signed it under pressure of losing the wedding, the courts can toss it. The standards are "fairness at the time of signing" and "fairness at the time of enforcement.") But I would like to point out the reality of marriage: it’s a legal contract. It’s not some fairy tale where love conquers all and everything magically works out.
In New York — and pretty much everywhere — when you get married, you're signing a binding contract with the state. You’re agreeing to a whole set of rights, rules, and obligations, whether you realize it or not. The state doesn’t care about your feelings — it cares about enforcing the terms if things fall apart. I know because I lived it.
I used to think like most people: you get married because you love someone, and you believe it'll last forever. My parents actually pulled it off — they stayed married until death did them part. That shaped my view growing up. But real life slapped me awake when my ex-wife filed for divorce in 2007. That’s when I learned that marriage is also business, and if you don't treat it like that, you’re possibly setting yourself up to get crushed. When things go sideways, it's about assets, custody, and survival; there is no talk of love in your divorce proceedings.
When I saw that the woman’s first thought about a possible divorce was, "I wouldn’t want anything except child support if we have kids," I shook my head. That's the first thing you're thinking about? That shows me where her head really is. Anyone who knows me knows exactly how I feel about this nonsense. Child support isn’t always about supporting kids — a lot of the time, it’s just a trap to keep government hands deep in your wallet.
When people ask how I've managed to raise two kids post-divorce without paying child support, I tell them I took a page from Nancy Reagan: I just said no. I managed to find a way around the madness of family court when my ex tried the same playbook that many do — weaponizing custody, police, and the courts. I outlasted her and am glad I fought and focused on the long-term goal of staying in our children’s lives. Eventually, we came to an agreement: 50/50 parenting, and I pay her no child support. I built my life around being an involved father, not mailing checks and hoping she’d spend my money on our kids.
Now, about prenups — I'm not against them at all. A prenup that protects what you had before marriage — savings, investments, inheritances — isn't controversial. In most states (including New York), those assets are already separate property under the law. But what matters in prenups is what happens to money earned during the marriage. That's what becomes marital property. That's where fights happen later. And if the prenup tries to waive rights to money earned together or dodges fair division, that's a huge red flag. Just as much of a red flag as someone already looking for a twenty-one-year tax-free monthly check in the form of “child support” if a divorce happens. To me, it reveals that this woman has already thought about what would happen if there were a divorce. Why shouldn’t the future ex-husband already think about what he may be looking for?
The reality is this: almost everyone who gets married thinks it's forever. We all do. But life is long and messy. People change. Circumstances change. You don't know how you'll feel 5, 10, 20 years from now — and you can't predict it.
That's why marriage should be entered into with eyes wide open, not with your head stuck in a fairy tale.
A prenup should be fair. It should be drafted well before any wedding dates are set. Both parties should have their own lawyers. And most importantly, it should protect each party's prior assets without trying to screw someone out of what they build together.
Marriage can be great — but it's not magical. It's a serious legal agreement. Treat it that way. You can love with your whole heart, but marry with your brain. Protect your future like your life depends on it.
Because one day, it just might.