Cutting People Off: Wisdom or Wound?
Is your no-tolerance policy a growth strategy or just self-protection?
I've always believed in giving people a second chance. We all mess up. Life is messy, people are imperfect, and sometimes, the right thing to do is to extend some grace.
Years ago, during one of the many times money was tight (which, if you live in New York City, you know, is more common than not), I borrowed some cash from a friend. When it was time to pay him back, I wrote him a check, but I didn't have enough in my account to cover it. A total mistake on my part. He called me out immediately, told me he'd only accept cash from that point forward, and said I was never to write him a check again.
I was taken aback, but I got it. He's a few years older than me and had dealt with enough people to know who he would and wouldn't take chances on. In his mind, I had blown it, and that was it. No second chances. At the time, I thought he was harsh. Years later, I understood.
Now, there are definitely situations where people make significant mistakes. Sometimes, even criminal ones, and they take the necessary steps to change. They learn they grow, and they come out better on the other side. I respect that. I believe people can change.
But there are also folks who keep messing up. They get a second chance, a third, a fourth, and still don't get it. Some people don't want to change. And worse, some do harm intentionally, then never take responsibility or apologize. That's when I'm done.
Over time, I've gotten quicker at cutting people off. Especially when I feel like the harm was intentional or the person shows no interest in making it right. Living in New York for over 30 years, navigating the hustle, family court, and the chaos of the pandemic has hardened me. And honestly, I don't like how tough I've had to become. But maybe that's just survival.
There's a saying; I think it goes: "Leave California when you get too soft. Leave New York when you get too hard." I get that. I've reached a point where protecting my peace matters more than keeping someone around who's proven they don't deserve the space.
Being in the music business, I've seen how often people get taken advantage of. So, I've learned to build walls and limit the number of chances I give. Two, maybe three. After that, I'm out. And I don't feel guilty about it anymore.
But I do wonder: is becoming so quick to cut people off a sign of wisdom, or is it a sign I've been hurt too many times? Is it strength, or just self-defense?
How many chances should someone get before you finally say, "Enough"?
Deep Cuts is where I think out loud about the intersections of culture, history, music, politics, and power. If this made you think, whether you agree or not, share it, forward it, or subscribe for more.